What Am I Going To Do?

Hi guys, it is Pie! I wrote this post a couple years ago back when I was in high school. I stumbled across this little gem while I was looking through some blog posts that I never finished. Hope you enjoy it ❤

 

You know that feeling? That sick indescribable feeling when your heart sinks into your stomach and a thought flashes through your mind, “What am I going to do?” It happens a lot doesn’t it, especially on a truly awful day. It normally happens when we are at a very low point in our life, year, week, or even hour. It happens to me when I am fighting off a virus or a virus has completely taken over me. I’ve been sick twice in the past week and a half. I was really stressed about this school year because I had five classes that were extremely difficult. I missed the first three days of school because I was on vacation. Therefore, I had a lot of makeup homework. To say the least Pie was SUPER stressed out! Five hard classes and enough homework to sink a ship. That Thursday, my horse died. It was one of the worst experiences I have gone through. I had to complete my homework while doing some hard core crying. Naturally I had a test the next day. I got a cold that weekend! Even through all of this I still had an awesome weekend because my loving….my amazing….and sweet friends threw me a surprise birthday party! After that weekend I told myself

“I can’t do this. I can’t take all of these hard classes. What if I get sick and miss school? I will never catch up! I can’t even handle missing three days! I normally miss a lot more than that!!!!!”

I talked to my Mom and Teddy and they agreed with my that I needed to drop Spanish III. Spanish is the only class I am taking that I technically am not required to take. I dropped that class like a hot potato. I traded it in for a study hall. Dropping that class made all of the difference! I still have a decent amount homework but I’m not drowning in it.

With POTS I have learned what I can manage and what I have to give up. It’s a hard lesson but one that is needed to recover. If you put too much on your shoulders you will crash. I could see it before my eyes this life being unveiled to me, taking five difficult classes, taking the SATs, and applying to colleges I was going to crash who knows when! But it would surely happen. Would it be worth it? No. I don’t think it would be.

Trust me. In the long run, it’s better to put your health first. It’s not worth getting sicker. Train your mind to weed out what you can and clearly can’t do. I never plan too many things for one weekend because if I do that then I will be jeopardizing my ability to go to school the following week. If you have POTS (or any chronic illness) I feel like it’s natural to start realizing what you can do. It’s more of a HA yeah right I can’t do all of that! Crazy talk is coming out of your mouth right now! (like my reference to Legend of Korra?) ….(do you watch Legend of Korra?)…..(yes, Pie is talking about a nickelodeon show)….(Please, don’t judge me 🙂 )

I’ve been sick a lot in the past few weeks. Three times to be exact. That’s a lot of crappy Pie days. It’s scary because sometimes I question if I am coming down with a virus or if my POTS is getting worse. It’s scary and I hate the feeling of the unknown. But, freaking myself out also isn’t going to fix anything. When you are sick try to give your poor sickly little self a break. It’s really not your fault. Don’t ever EVER think this is your fault. It has absolutely nothing to do with you or me. We were “lucky” or chosen upon from a random force. WOOHOO! We won the raffle to get some supermegafoxyawesomehot chronic illness. Next time I am asking for a super power in my side effects. Because mine are clearly lacking superpowerness. My friends would probably say if I had a superpower it would be napping. I am an excellent napper. I can nap anywhere, any time. I’m not sure if this is a curse or a blessing because napping isn’t really good for us POTSters. I try not to nap often. I only nap when I am sick or when I am feeling well I will nap once every couple of weeks.

I guess I am trying to say just hang in there. I’ve used this analogy before but sometimes I’ve felt that my body is like a plane with a faulty engine and I am a passenger inside. Sometimes the plane flies smoothly but others I am really frightened and feel out of control. I have a  body with bipolar syndromes! One day I feel great the next I have the flu. I’m not bipolar though. That is not one of the syndrome baseball cards I have collected.

My sister and my family light up my bad days. Find things that fill your sad heart with light. It may not seem like much, a silly video sent from Teddy or a funny story my mom tells me but they make my hard days memorable for a good reason. It gives me a reason to laugh and be thankful. Those little things can make a bad situation tolerable. I hate the feeling of what am I going to do. I hate it. Don’t you? It makes me feel miserable! You feel isolated in a puddle of worry and sickness. This sickness can make you feel self centered. It’s not like we have a choice. We have to over analyze normal situations to make sure we are well enough to do them. Anything from working out to going to the movies with friends. Were not self centered our body is just an attention hog.

The next time you ask yourself what you are going to do and how will you manage another day take a deep breath in. It is all going to be okay. I know life can be extremely hard and frustrating but those little things that make you smile are worth holding on to. Our lives can change in an instant so when you are feeling terrible always hold on to the hope that you might feel better in an hour or a day. Try not to focus on the opposite….like in an instant you could feel terrible.

“Somedays aren’t yours at all,
They come and go
As if they’re someone else’s days
They come and leave you behind someone else’s face
And it’s harsher than yours
And colder than yours”

This song randomly popped into my head. Somedays by Regina Spektor. It fits though. Our bodies are not our own, and we are reminded on a daily basis that we don’t have full control over ours. Our souls have a purpose though. A purpose that was planted by God and we have been carrying in our bodies all of our life. It is the one part of you that makes you different. It is Teddy’s love for writing and my love of painting. It is my Mother’s love of helping and consoling others and my Father’s love for healing people. It is my bird’s love for singing and my cat’s love for eating. When you read my last few sentences I am sure something popped into your mind. That one thing that calms your heart. That one thing that tells you that everything is going to be okay. Never forget the part of you that is so incredibly unique. It is there for a reason. Just like you. It is just hides in the shadows of your bad days. But never disappears completely.

 

Love,

Little Ol’ Pie

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One comment on “What Am I Going To Do?

  1. Emily M says:

    What a gem! Pie, thank you again for your beautiful and insightful words. You and Teddy continue to inspire and encourage me, on both my good days and my bad days. Thank you for the reminder that my soul is my own. And though my body is not my own, it does not have to dim my light. I choose to let it shine instead.🌟

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